November 15th the dark Sunday ....

Dear Father,

I have spent 6 years without you so far and unfortunately would have to live like that for the rest of my life . In these 6 years life has taught me many hard and painful lessons ; And there have always been moments when I was going through struggle and happiness and always wished you were there to stand with me in my struggle and also share my happy moments . 

I regret for not being able to spend more time with you ,not being able to give you the quality life and luxuries you deserve .After all the immeasurable and uncountable sacrifices you had made to give me the life I am living right now . After all these years I now understand why you had taken some decisions which seemed wrong for me and right to you .You took those decisions not because you wanted to but you were kind of forced to specially since that was the best you could afford to . 

I always wish I could plan my finances as well as you did ,invest money as wisely as you did ,work hard and take care of the family as best you did .

I do have lot of regrets for all the mistakes I have made in the past and I currently make  and just wish you would always be by my side to guide me through for the rest of the life . And its just from you that I have learnt how to bail out through the struggles and pain in life and embrace the little moments of happiness  and love . 

Every single moment of pleasure and pain I miss you and I wish you were by my side .Life will never be the same without you ever . I am trying to live up to your expectations and I know I might have not been there so far yet but I would definitely keep trying and I know you are UP there watching me over . 

P.S : Miss you like hell and will keep missing you until eternity . 

Your darling daughter ,

Aparna Bhaskara 

A wish for a beautiful Birthday Morning !!!

One special day in your life which is the most treasured moment for your parents specially your Mom ,would be definitely the day you were born :)  they would keep re mincing even when you become a mom of  those special moments ,those days the best days of your Mom's life for sure  .Once you realize the importance of your birthday you start searching for that date on calendar as soon as its released to know which day your birthday has come ...not sure about others but I definitely do that :D

They say self love is the best love ,well if  that is the case then I surely must have  loved myself a lot cause I pampered myself the most when it comes to celebrating my birthday at least for the fact that I had the habit of buying myself a birthday gift for myself every year and was in the habit to carefully designing my birthday cake and decorating the living room with different colored papers and balloons and then invite all little kids in the neighborhood  and used to watch in delight when they had so much of fun at my place playing games and savoring the cake ...I miss those days :) 




Now this blog post is just about how I wish my birthday morning should be .... 26 birthday mornings always started with mom and sis lovingly waking me up with sweet lil kiss on my cheek :D with a birthday song followed by a traditional aarthi and a proper oil bath and then drying of my wet hair with the sambrani dhoop ( traditional way of drying hair with dhoop stuff sprinkled on burning coals which gives rise to a good smelling smoky aroma which leaves a good fragrance in the hair apart from drying the hair ) ....and then blessings from parents and visit to temple ...that has been the traditional birthday mornings for  26 yrs of my life .....


7th of June and I would be turning an year older a year wiser a year happier :) hopefully a year wealthier and healthier ;) . Being a person who prefers seeing life in a different way ,doing things in a different way way too different from the routine  was wondering how different can my birthday morning be that was when my imagination was put to work ...



 7th June 1984 5:55 AM was the time I said "hello world" with a cute lil smile while the skies poured with a gentle drizzle welcoming me to this world .Soooooo this birthday  I wish I could be there standing on the cool sands of a beautiful beach waiting for the watch to tick 5:55 AM with eyes closed trying to fill my soul with the most beautiful mystical  sunrise I could witness so cool so serene with cool waves splashing my feet       ............. the sound of the untiring waves splashing and trying to hit the banks again and again which is pure music for my ears .Every single iota of me basking in the pure pleasure of a beautiful birthday morning while the warmth of the morning rays trying to  provide  the warm comfort I  can  get when  tightly wrapped up in the loving arms of the most wonderful person who brought me in to this world  .With the gentle morning breeze gushing through my face while I am standing there on the wet sands with waves washing my feet and while I am trying to embrace the sunrise with open hands shouting on the top of my voice "Happpppppppy Birthdayyyyyyy to meeeeeee " and then after a short while a short drizzle just to wet me enough to enjoy the feeling of getting drenched by the first monsoon ..while i try to catch a few drops of the rain in my hands and throw them up in the air with sheer joy of playing in rain on a beach  after which the rain recedes and then the skies trying to show me the colors of life yesss a RAINBOW !!!!!! and then I wait for the fishermen who are heading out for their morning catch who might give me a lift while I wear a life jacket all set to  enjoy pure joy of  floating in the  deep waters with hands wide spread out facing the open skies trying to say " heyyyy look at me my arms wide open to embrace life in its best form " as if I am trying to collect the whole sky in my two hands ....... Once back to the banks after a good sleep in the waters my unkept wet but slightly curly hair decorated with a hand made hairband of just flowers in the nearby woods of pretty colors while I dry myself up by taking a long walk on the beach side occasionally collecting the sea shells and having the fun of hearing the sound of waves in those shells and once I am done with my walk settle down to prepare a beautiful necklace of the little sea shells and a bracelet bracing my arm .... finally settle down on the cool sands of the beach sipping on to a hot cup of chocolate  rejoicing all the happy moments of 26 years of my life while  all my foot steps made on the beach representing my most dark moments of life which would be washed away forever in some time by a huge wave  .......




Wellllllll ...well ...wellll here's wishing myself a very happpppppppy birthday !!!!! and looking forward towards the wonderful journey full of  beauty full of joy full of lessons full of wisdom full of health full of wealth full of success full of peace and many many many more beautiful moments of life ...........

My First Horse Ride !!!

Somewhere deep down my heart which always looks out for coming out with the best of reasons to free itself from the shackles of boredom and monotonous life and most importantly from its regular dosage of frustrations came out a voice which said "I need to do something different " . And as if God heard that voice of mine I got an email from hydsports meet up folks who posted a regular meet up where horse riding was being taught for beginners  . Horse riding ..... the first thought or rather a scene which flashed my mind was a  beautiful girl with a nice cow boy attire i.e white shirt ,brown hat, long boots etc etc  with a gun in the holster riding on a white colored stallion !!! I know it sounds straight out of a Hollywood movie :) but yeah that's how WILD my imagination can get .

Well I made up my mind and decided to give it a try despite of the disclaimer coming with the horse riding that only "physically fit " people are allowed and fact being I had never worked out in a gym nor did any thing to  keep myself fit and flexible for such sports events . Now having RSVPed for the event I got my best friend to come along with me for the horse riding and she gladly agreed .Event was scheduled for 26th of Jan republic day for INDIA a national holiday .

The very thought of doing something new something different at least for once gave me a feel good feeling . It must be that excitement of doing something new and different for the first time after many years which dint let me sleep the whole night of 25th ( I was glancing the clock almost every hour as I dint want to be late for the meet up ) . Now one bad thing I did was I dint tell my mom that I was going for horse riding cause I knew she might not be comfortable with the idea of me riding a horse and eventually would keep thinking of the same till i returned safe and sound . So to avoid her from taking any kind of tensions I told her I was going out some where and would tell her once I come back .She sent me with the confidence that I was going to do something adventurous or was out for a small trip (of course I told her my friend was coming along only after which she heaved a sigh of relief ) 

So in the biting cold weather at around 6 40 am our short bike ride started as we headed towards Toli chowki where the horse riding club was holding the training session . We reached in 20 mins and the mere sight of so many horses in the stable  made me excited to the fact that I shall be riding one of them soon . Soon the trainer arrived and asked those interested to try out in the first round to que up and I immediately qued up and in fact went and chose the horse I wanted to ride even before the trainer assigned me one ( I dint want to waste any more time sitting and staring at the horses ) .We were first taught on how to get on to the horse with less effort and since every horse had a trainer along with it to guide the rider each one of us got our own trainer to attend to . My trainer taught me how to hold the reins how to sit on the saddle and how to position my feet and all this happened in 10 mins after I got on to the white and brown beauty named Rani . And there I was sitting straight and stiff with a polo hat and the reins in the hand ....the feeling of holding the reins and sitting on the horse and all set to ride the horse and gallop along with it made me so excited that you can only understand when you ride one :) 




The first part of training was to make the horse go around in a circular fashion along with the rest of the horses and that was when we were taught how to hold the reins and how to make it move towards left and right  . The head trainer was constantly supervising all the riders and was instructing how and what needs to be done till we were all comfortable sitting on the horses and using the reins . The second part of the training was kind of an exercise which was needed while riding on a horse and for this the trainer took each one of the rider to spend some time to learn under his sole supervision . I some how felt I took the longest amount of trainers time though he claimed that I was learning pretty good and pretty quick ..and my training was done for the day and I was asked to join the circle of riders again .After some time I decided to learn something more apart from riding the horses i.e to lunge the rope tied to the horses and make them walk in a circular fashion ,removing the saddles ,feeding them ,brushing them etc . Well that was the first session and after the session was done every body were given time to interact with the rest of the horses to know their names and yeah of course get a photo shoot done with all the horses . 

For those who might be interested in horse riding tips you can visit http://www.wikihow.com/Canter-With-Your-Horse .


And for those who might be interested for future events and to check the photos of the event you can visit http://www.meetup.com/hydsportsclub/photos/1237829/21072692/#21072882 .


Honestly the sense of satisfaction of riding a horse feeding it, brushing it, pampering it  ,was so good that I wanted to go for the next session . Its always been with me that I start some thing new and due to some unforseen reasons I fail to continue learning it . Hope it does not happen the same way . My friend who is my inspiration to not to give up on learning new things ..hope helps me learn this new found love of mine :) 

Silence !!!

First thing which came to my mind when i thought of the word silence was of the famous dialogue "Silence !!! or i will kill you " lolz ok stale jokes apart ,whats the first thing you get to your mind when you think of the word golden word "Silence " ........ when was the last time you were surrounded by deadly silence or heavenly silence .Now when I say deadly silence or heavenly silence you might say "what the heck how does it matter silence is silence " :)

Well IMHO silence is deadly or heavenly .Having experienced both and obviously as it sounds one would long for that heavenly silence . Lemme explain these two terms in my words .

There have been many a times in my life when I had faced disastrous situations ( i know disastrous must be a big word to use but trust me there are times when you feel completely devastated by the outcome of some events which leaves you wordless .... unless you are miss or mr perfect with nothing bad or wrong ever happening in ur life ) and all I cud do was to simply sit stare blankly at the ceiling sometimes or at the empty skies with an empty feeling stirring up in the stomach as to why did it ever happen and why the hell did it happen just to me and why the hell has this to happen to me alone and worst part being it happens in no time and in the end you end up surrounded by that "deadly silence " time at that point my friends seems to tick so damn slowly that you feel like why the hell is the clock not moving . That kind of silence is something which is truly deafening ,you feel like something inside you is screaming out hard saying "stopppppp " . Unless you are someone who are attached to someone whose company lifts your mood easily you feel your self totally lost and isolated from the rest of world .

Examples of such situations could be when you had worked really really hard for your dream profile in a very big MNC and you fail to prove yourself in one final round of interview ...a profile an MNC where you had all your hopes highly pinned upon and at that moment you feel completely shattered after realizing that you lost a good opportunity just when you were in dire need of it . Or you worked really hard for the entrance exam for a college which you always dreamed of getting in to and you failed by just a mark or so ... Worst of all is when you lose you someone close or a family member ..those days those moments are hard to overcome ,inspite of so many consoling your and comforting you for the fact that your mind tells you that they wont come back ever again and they cant be seen ever again your heart is just not ready to accept the same fact !!!!! That kind of silence("Eerie silence added with a pinch of fear ..fear of losing fear of something untoward happening ") is what i call it as deadly silence ..a silence where nobody can comfort you ,nobody can cajole you ..and its of course a matter of time you are bound to overcome that state of mind .... ya ya ya i know thats what every one try to console you saying " time will move on so do u have to move on " ,"if not this something else " " there is always something better in store for you " and all ......... typical thought " You dont know what i am going through ,you dont understand what i am going through ,u never faced it so you dont know " isnt it ???? ;)

Looks like i have spoken too much of the deadly silence ..... Let talk about the blissfull part or the heavenly silence .Let me share the best moments of silence which i call it as heavenly (atleast for me it was ) . I had been to the wedding of one of my collegues to vizag and talking about vizag reminds me of the amazing moments of silence i got to njoy standing at the shore ..walking bare feet with waves washing them ..early in the morning with the beautiful golden sun rays hitting waves of all kinds as if an Angel in the sky just sprinkled Golden Dust from her wishy wand :) and the eyes having a feast of the ocean trying to capture in its eyes the entire beautiful scenery ... as far as the longing eyes can see .....All I did was to let my soul to dive in to the silence surrounded by me which had just the noise of the waves ,smell of the morning breeze ,warmth of the morning sun light ,coldness of the water touching my feet and the wet sands ....




And at that moment I let my mind njoy the silence my soul was surrounded with ..with no regretful thoughts of mistakes of past ,no thoughts of what my future beholds and no thoughts of what i should be doing ... it was just ME ME and Me ...... i honestly feel i can spend my restful days of life by living on an island( with all aminities of course ) on the shore with two long palm trees and a swing in between them where i can sleep peacefully and enjoy the beach reading a book and sipping a cool drink :)

Well I seem to hold a special relation to beach spots and for that matter any scenic water spots i.e waterfalls coz i jussssst love the sound of gushing water or waves for that matter and totally njoy playing in the water for how ever long and then dry my self with a nice camp fire on the beach and have a decent hot meal and then lie down watching the dark starry skies :)

I know i must have mentioned heavenly silence related with visting a place but wait i havent yet talked about the silence which surrounds you when you succeed :) I am sure there must have been many a times when you know you have achieved what you always wanted to and specially when it comes to successfully completing something which you have been working on since long .. the satisfaction of acheivment and the pleasure of the fact that you got what you wanted the pleasure of getting something you always wanted ... for the matter of fact that at that moment you feel you are on the top of the world and you don't want anything more in life ..... dats when you feel totalllly heavenly and blissful ...there is this inner tranquility inner peace inner happiness inner joy that you njoy and thats when you just wish to be alone and enjoy your acheivement ...of course this is something which you get after you have settled down upon joying a party you have thrown to your friends or family to share the success or acheivement .....

I guess every person who becomes a father or mother would enjoy that silence when their baby is sleeping soundly by their side regardless of the world :)



OMG i just realized i have written soooo much already .... as always thanks for the patience and pain in reading this :)

Feel free to share your moments of silence with me !!!!!!

My Wish list !

Been thinking since quite a long long long ....( may be ever since my childhood ) to come up with my wish list .One might think i must be copying dasvidaniya or telugu movie oye style but NO I always had a biiiiig( or is it supposed to be lengthy) wish list which of course as expected just keeps on increasing . So I thought why not make a note of it so that one fine day i can always come back to see what i wanted to do . Not all of them but at least most of them i should be able to achieve ( how optimistic of me !!! ;) ) ..

So people take a deep breath and read them .. am sure most of you might find something similar to this .................

• Go to Disney land US !!
  
• Skydiving
• Bungee jumping
• Deep sea diving
• River rafting
• Horse riding
• Mountain climbing
• Skiing
• To spend a peaceful week ad mist pleasant mountains /peaks
• Camping in Himalayas
• Playing in Snow
• visit the 7 wonders of the world
• Paint one beautiful portrait .
• "Dress up " in different kinds of bridal attires ( preferable choosable cultures )
• Go to a coool serene lake with no crowd or any strangers around and try fishing ..basically fish and then throw them back in water :)
• To play in rain like hell and have piping hot masala stuff with a whole bunch of kiddos ..
• To drive and get drenched on a bike with zooming speed on a highway ...
• To learn salsa and perform just once .
• To give a musical concert
• To play piano .
• To walk by the beach on a nice cloudy evening with a preferred long flowery skirt , count the stars and hold a campfire and then a candle lit dinner with my best friend or even all alone :)
• To visit the Niagara falls .. Dive through any water fall ..
• To sponsor a girl child's education and marriage
• To adopt a girl child
• To have ice cream at 12 in the nite of my fav flavor with bare feet on wet grass taking a mid nite stroll by a park .. listening to my fav music ..
• para gliding
• To direct a movie
• To write a book
• To shop at all fav places all fav stuff .
• To take part in bike race like a roadie :P
• To get a cool photo shoot done ..
• To work at NASA .
• To build a hospital and manage it .
• To build a dream house with choicest of interiors
• To achieve a really good title something like business woman of the year/decade kinds
• To visit Switzerland !! check out the alps ...
• To paint my room and decorate it with all kind of stuff ...
• To peacefully sleep on moms lap watching a star studded sky
• To spend a whole day rite from early morning to late nite in the holy shrine of thirumala .
• Drive a Plane /steer a train :D
  
• Ride in a chopper
• Visit the great grand canyon
  
• Learn martial arts
  

And the list will go on .. :)

Life from Heidi's eyes

let me start off how i met and fell in love with Heidi.. and for that i must admit that i watch cartoon network often (now dnt conclude that i am just a kid ) coz i feel they are far more better to watch than the boring saga of endless daily soaps :D .soo... i saw Heidi the animated character on the show called"heidi the girl from Alps"..When i saw the show for the first time i fell in love with heidi instantly .I then started following the series "regularly " dont ask me when was it aired etc coz i have a real bad memory about such stuff :) .. later i grew so fond of heidi that i tried searching for a hard copy of Heidi .. and luckily my sister gifted me one on my bday ....

i finished Reading or infact relishing the book in such a short time that i kept on reading the book several times one thing is for sure any series are not picturised the way they are in books ......this is about how i enjoyed and met heidi ..now coming to describing Heidi :


Heidi is a small kid with a beautiful and innocent little heart which doesn't no the evil things in life called greed,riches,wickedness etc...( wish even i had such a beautiful heart )
Some kids usually donot share their things be it food or any thing but heidi is some one for whom all such things like tasty food ,expensive attires and toys hardly matter .. now dont consider her to be a saintly child coz she is just not like that ..

She is some one who wud get up early in the morning and takes a look outside her round shaped window in her bedroom on a cozy spacious attic ..(trust me u wud love her bed room ) just to catch a gulp of the fresh cool air on the Alps (she stays on the swiss Alps with her grandfather )people who reside in the city wud def feel "wish i cud smell that fresh mountain air " ..

Heidi can teach u a lot of lessons for life like caring for others like the way she takes care of her friend ..best friend peter and clara .... and her grand father who is actually kind of banished from the village ....(why is he banished is another story ) but the best part is she turns her stone hearted grand father(who turned as a stone hearted person because of the bitching behavior of the villagers for no fault of his .. sounds filmy?) in to a caring ,lovable and helpful person ....She has the charm of transforming any kind of a heart in to a caring and noble heart ....

The way heidi enjoys and relishes embraces each and every moment of her life close to nature on Alps the migthy Alps ..be it watching the Alps turn their colours during sun set ,or the beautiful feeling of running on the wet grass with naked feet till u actually tire urself out and things like shouting on top of your voice on the top of the cliff to hear yourself echo ..... hearing the rustling or sweeping of the wind through the huge fig and fir trees.. hearing the sound of the brooks which have formed all afresh from the freshly melting ice from the alps from the first rays of sunlight touching the Alps .....watching the sunset and sunrise on the Alps .... tasting the freshly baked baked and home made cheese with a dash of a huge jug of goat's milk milked by her own hands (thats what is her dialy food .. she never longs for all the goodies )...... just imagine all this beautiful things u wud def feel wish i was there... (atleast i felt tht way )...

This is just how heidi 's life is on Alps sounds too peaceful and merriful right well well well...... she is tricked by her aunt who for her monetary benifits takes her away to the city which heidi feels is nothing but a huge place with stone made buildings and she is innocent enuf to realize the way people of city are ....

She doesn't find any of the expensive toys or the expensive dresses to stop her from thinking about the Alps .. she misses the Alps so much that she develops sleep walking where everynight she imagines to be walking on the alps .. she is restricted from talking about the Alps with Clara too..oh i dint say who is clara well she is a young girl who leads her life on the wheel chair and it was for her sake that heidi is taken away from the Alps..
Heidi actually hides all her sorrow of missing the alps and her free life so much that she starts feeling a pain deep on her neck ...this happens when ever u try to suppress ur painful feelings deep inside u for longer and longer time without letting it out in the form of tears. It is at this point of time that the doctor forces heidi to be sent back to the Alps ..

Heidi never forgets her friend clara though and infact forces her to come to visit her at alps and encourages her all through so much that clara starts enjoying her life in true sense and the effect is she gets well adn in fact stands on her own legs .. heidi is hte one who teaches her how beautiful life is and how a determined mind even the greatest diseases can be fought ...

she teaches clara hope,faith,love ,relation ship,determination to fight against anything,how to enjoy the simple things in life ...

Ultimately its not the disease or sorrow or pain which ruins our life its the attitude which matters .. attitude to fight anything and everything till we win over the same sorrow or pain ... I know its always easier said than done and always easy to give out such statements but eventually everyone in his/her life at some point of time learns to fight or to say life teaches everyone of us to fight the battle of our life

And i strongly believe that everyone is a great warrior of thier own life just that u need to get prepared for the battle and have the enthusiasm to stay in the field for long ....

I keep searching for the Heidi within me ... do you ?



note:If you ever find time do read the book online :)
http://etext.virginia.edu/etcbin/toccer-new2?id=SpyHeid.sgm&images=images/modeng&data=/texts/english/modeng/parsed&tag=public&part=1&division=div1